


five stages.

by orphan_account



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Light Smut, Sort of..., bc I only know about lesbians, canon but they lesbos, no fluff bc I'm evil, there's sort of a happy ending tho, they’re on tour as dancers but other than that and them being ladies it’s mostly canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-16 03:57:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20187850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Vanessa and Brooke go through the five stages of grief after their break up.





	five stages.

**1.Denial**

Vanessa was in denial. In denial that she and Brooke were over and had been for months. In denial that after every drunk hookup Brooke would leave, time and time again.

Every time Brooke has Vanessa pinned down on the bed with her lips at her neck and her fingers inside her, Vanessa imagines that after they were done Brooke would kiss her, slow and soft, and then they’d curl up together and fall asleep. Just like before. 

That’s where Vanessa finds herself on a Friday night, stoned and hazy and soft under Brooke’s gaze. Vanessa likes to pretend the gaze Brooke has fixed upon her is a gaze of love and adoration instead of just pure lust. Vanessa finds herself pretending a lot during these hookups. She pretends they’re in her cozy apartment instead of a bare hotel room in the middle of only God knows what city. She pretends they’re making love like they used to and this isn’t just a quick familiar fuck. She pretends Brooke won’t leave after. She pretends not to know Brooke regrets it every time.

She pretends she’s not in denial about everything and that she and Brooke would fall back together in time.

She’s in denial.

**2.Anger**

Vanessa’s cheeks turn red with anger as she watches Brooke pull some redhead into the club’s bathroom. She finds her fingers digging into her palm, leaving small crescent-shaped indents in their wake. The anger coursing through her veins propels her towards the same bathroom she just saw the blonde disappear into. She swings the door open, revealing a short redhead perched on the sinks with Brooke’s lips attached to her neck. The girl squeaks as she notices Vanessa’s presence. Brooke turns around, her expression unreadable as she comes face to face with her spitfire ex. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Vanessa seethes. 

“What do you mean ‘what am I doing?’ We aren’t together, it’s none of your business what I’m doing.”

Vanessa’s heart breaks all over again as Brooke spits out venomous words at her. Instead of wallowing like she has been for months her shaky breaths turn into firey words, branding themselves onto Brooke’s skin.

“Vanessa. We’re not doing this. Not here. Not now,” Brooke says.

“Fuck  _ you. Fuck you! FUCK YOU,”  _ Vanessa yells, her small hands balled into fists hitting Brooke’s chest over and over, “I fucking loved you, I loved you. Why the fuck did you leave? I fucking hate you. I hate you.”

Vanessa stops hitting her to grip onto her shirt, her hands trying to grapple onto her last tendrils of self-respect as she sobs.

Brooke stands still, unsure of what to do with the short girl clinging onto her shirt, throwing insults at her like they’re nothing. She just lets Vanessa cry and carry on. After a few minutes, Vanessa quiets down.

“Are you done?” Brooke asks her tone cold and forbidding.

Vanessa releases the grip from her shirt and looks up at the tall blonde. She shakes her head in disbelief.

“I can’t fucking believe you. I  _ hate  _ you.”

Brooke lets out a bitter laugh and pulls the redhead girl down from the sink. Vanessa forgot she was even there. 

And just like that Brooke’s gone, leaving Vanessa to put herself back together all alone.

**3.Bargaining**

“Brooke, please. Stay with me after,” Vanessa pleads.

Brooke sighs, sick of this back and forth conversation they keep having over and over again.

“Vanessa, I don’t want to have this conversation.”

Vanessa, stubborn as ever, grabs her wrist.

“Look at me, Brooke,” Vanessa says, her voice soft and her eyes pleading. For some reason, Brooke looks at her.

“We can do this. It’ll be different this time around, I swear. I’ll be less controlling, hell I’ll even let you fuck other people if that’s what it’ll take to make you stay.”

“Vanessa, we didn’t work out for a reason. You can’t change yourself and I can’t change myself. We won’t work out, we never will.”

“I can change, I swear. All that stuff I said is true. I won’t be so overbearing, I’ll be better to you, be better  _ for  _ you.”

“It’s not about ‘being better’ to me. We aren’t compatible and we-you’re just gonna get hurt again if we try for more than a quick post-show fuck,” Brooke says, her voice devoid of all emotion.

“So that’s all I am to you, then? Just a quick post-show fuck, huh?”

“We talked about this, Vanessa. That’s all we are, that’s all we  _ can  _ be. And sometimes I don’t even know if we can be this either. Stop trying to bargain with me about our relationship. Either we stop hooking up and be professional towards each other for the rest of this tour or you knock this shit off and let me fuck you and leave.”

Vanessa sighs and because she can’t let go of Brooke she pulls her cotton dress over her head and lies down for her, legs parted and ready.

**4.Depression**

“I’m worried about you, V,” Akeria says, sitting on the edge of the bed her friend is laying in, “you do the show then you just disappear until the next call time. What’s going on?”

Vanessa shakes her head, knowing that if she speaks every emotion she’s felt in the past few weeks would spill over and run down her cheeks in the form of hot tears. 

Akeria sighs, “you can’t keep living like this.”

Vanessa laughs bitterly.

“What am I supposed to do? I have no choice.”

“Vanessa, just being around her is tearing you apart. Don’t think you’re fooling anyone, your smile doesn’t even reach your eyes and quite frankly, it’s scaring the fuck out of me.”

Vanessa doesn’t even realize she’s crying until Akeria is wiping a tear from her eye.

“Come here,” Akeria tells her. She sits up and buries her face in her friend’s shoulder. She cries and cries while Akeria gently rocks her back and forth.

“Shh shh, you’ll be okay.”

“I loved her so much, Akeria, I still fucking love her. I love her so much and she treats me like shit on the bottom of her shoe,” she cries.

“You need to go home, baby. Tell your manager you had a family emergency you need to take care of and go home. You can’t be around her right now, it’s destroying you.”

Vanessa nods and sniffles.

“Thank you, Kiki. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

The next day Vanessa is on a flight back home, leaving the hellish few days behind.

**5.Acceptance**

Vanessa’s home, safe and sound, nursing a cup of warm tea with Riley snoring at her feet. She already feels better; lighter and more free. As she sits on her well-loved loveseat she begins to scan the room for  _ her  _ things. Even after all these months, Vanessa kept most of Brooke’s stuff that she left, she was so sure the blonde would be back. But she wasn’t, she never came back the way Vanessa wanted her to. She goes to the closet to find a spare bin to put Brooke’s things. Just a week ago Vanessa might’ve broken down sobbing at any reminder of the blonde ballerina, but today she smiles softly at the memories each item has behind it, like Brooke’s favorite red sweatshirt that she gave Vanessa to borrow after they got stuck in the rain, but ended up letting her keep anyways. And the polaroid she finds on the fridge of the two of them from Brooke’s last birthday. Nina had taken the photo of them when they weren’t looking and it turned out to be Vanessa’s favorite photo of them, Brooke smiling at her like she was her whole world. Instead of throwing out the photo and crying she smiles fondly and puts the picture in a drawer. She flits through the apartment, putting every little thing of Brooke’s into the bin, down to the very last blonde colored bobby pin she finds. She places the box by the front door and sighs contently. 

She sends a quick text to Brooke to come and get her things and then deletes her number. Erasing all the reminders of her makes Vanessa feel good, she feels clean. 

She’s  _ finally clean. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed whatever this lil drabble it, if y'all liked it I'll write Brooke's pov. :-)
> 
> talk to me on tumblr @/honeyhytes !


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